Feeling Numb

Sometimes I wonder what's wrong with me.  I feel totally disconnected.  If I'm honest, I think I'd say this has been coming for a long time and there may be many contributing factors.  For now, I won't even go into the childhood stuff with dad leaving, mom being distant, Steve being in and out, no extended family connections, etc.  We'll just go to the stuff starting with leaving Jaci, the crap with Elizabeth, dad dying, Jennie dying, mom dying, the crap with Rachel, the crap with Susan, and to a much lesser degree, the stuff with Sybil.  I think if I had to pick a turning point out of all those right now, I'd probably say Rachel.  I remember clearly in my mind, a conversation we had sitting on the couch in the living room.  I was between Rachel and Amanda and we were talking about allowing Elizabeth to come home after she had been living with Merrybelle.  Rachel was against it and said she wanted to be allowed to move out and go live with someone else.  I remember feeling this overwhelming feeling, almost like a wave (warm and going from head to toe) like "oh no, not again" and thinking I was going to start the same thing all over again with Rachel that I had with Elizabeth and how would I survive it again.  And I don't remember it consciously happening after that, but I have felt disconnected emotionally since that time.  I don't feel connected to anyone or anything.  I feel somewhat connected to Ray at times.  And here and there to others...sometimes to the kids....but only for short periods of time.  I don't long to see anyone.  When they're gone, it's ok.  If I didn't see Eoin again, that'd be alright.  I'm not saying that's normal, I'm just saying that's the way it is.  I think the emotional abuse finally beat whatever I had left out of me.  I don't feel bitter or angry...I guess that's part of the point, I don't FEEL anything.  I'm numb.

I think there was a time when I lay blame here or there.  Not so much anymore.  I don't guess I even feel blame myself.  Maybe it's just part of my own make up that I took what I could and then shut down.