Sleeping with the enemy?

I've felt very uneasy of late.  Nothing I can put a finger on, just a restlessness of spirit I suppose.  It's times like this when I miss Jennie.

"Don't it always seem to go, that you don't know what you've got till it's gone.
They take paradise and put up a parking lot."

Yep.  That's pretty much how I feel.  Anyone I make friends with at this point, in comparison to Jennie, would be like a parking lot compared to paradise.  And yeah, I don't think I understood what I had in her until she was gone.  There is no one else I can talk to about Ray because I would not disrespect him  in the first place and maybe it's partly a pride thing for me as well.  I've talked about how perfect he is to everyone.  How do I talk to anyone about how I feel without making him sound like an ass?  Or making them think I'm an idiot?  And it's none of anyone's business.  If Fred wasn't such a shit, I'd talk to Teri.  The point is, I don't have one friend who wouldn't either tell their husband or or be thinking, "HA!  I knew he wasn't perfect."  Don't need that and it won't solve anything.

I've slowly come to some realizations over the past months.  (Maybe very slowly over the past few years and it's just come to my consciousness.)  Probably the most shocking is that Ray is very much like my mother in that his responses to me make me feel like I'm unworthy or like I'm stupid or my ideas aren't good enough or they're silly or not as good as his.  Second is that he has a habit of making me look like a bad guy toward him in front of others.

Case in point:  Last night at dinner....
The drawer in our closet doesn't stay closed and I've asked him about it several times.  He said there's nothing he can do about it.  I asked him again a week ago, "there's no way to adjust the rails or something?"  He said no.  So yesterday I bought little velcro patches to stick on the drawer and frame to keep it closed.  I mention it at dinner with Elizabeth and Jeremy sitting there.  Does he say, "Oh that's a good idea"?  Nope.  He says, "I don't wanna put that on there.  That's not a good idea.  I just haven't had time to get to it.  I told you I'd fix it."  REALLY?  No, what you told me was you COULDN'T fix it.  But now what it looks like is that I'm a nag and you work your butt off and travel and I'm never satisfied when that's not the case at all.  And it also subtlety lets me know I couldn't possibly come up with a workable solution.  Yep....that's my mother to a T!!!  "Don't try that, you won't like it.  Trayce's such a picky eater."  Hmmmm...I wonder why that is?

He says he does things for me because he likes to do things for me.  But I'm at the point where I wonder if that's the case or if he just does it because he thinks he does everything better and doesn't want to be bothered with my ineptness.  And so he can tell everyone how much he does, because he certainly does that as well.   Is it any wonder I don't want to sing when he takes me out and wants me to perform like some circus act?  I can't even come up with a good idea to keep a freaking drawer shut but I'm supposed to believe he really believes I have talent enough to not embarrass him in front of people?

A realization occurred to me last night.  I had a lot more to offer when we met and first got married than I do now.  Isn't marriage supposed to add to who you are?  I like to think (for all of my faults) that I've brought out some good in Ray.  I feel like I've become less and less over the years.  Yes, we both agreed I'd be a stay at home mom.  But I used to feel like I could do anything I set my mind to.  Like if there was something I wanted to try (not necessarily talking about academically but like the sister church thing) I went about figuring out how to do it and did it.  Now I think about what I would do if something happened to Ray.  And I think I would do a lot.  Because he wouldn't be here to make me feel stupid or like I couldn't do it.  Oh he always tells me I can do stuff.  But he undermines me in 1000 little ways.  

Interesting that he mentioned last night that Michelle is who she is and Cynthia is who she is but Susan is two faced.  Who she is with these people is not who she is....it's a facade.  And yet, what that says is that at least there is an emotional person there somewhere.  That is the person I have had glimpses of at times and loved.  And miss.  And is probably a wounded soul.  I don't know if I have the wherewithal or skill or even desire to draw that out and work on it again.  But it does exist.  Or it has at some point.  Maybe, like me, she has given up as well.

What Ray fails to see is that I'm not sure he even has that emotional side.  Oh sure, he has cried.  And I believe he loves me.  But like his mother, there is a level of detachment that defies my comprehension.  It's part of what I've tried to explain to him when I've said I wanted him to "lose control" during sex.  I've come to realize I'd like him to lose control anytime. I'd like to know I inspire passion of some kind in him.  And if not me, I'd like to know that SOMETHING inspires passion in him.  His work probably comes the closest.  But that's more of an excitement brought on by knowledge and understanding.  Passion defies understanding and logic.  It takes control of your soul.  Maybe the analytical mind is incapable of that.  Unfortunately, they see themselves as superior to the artistic mind.  Oh, they would deny that, but it's true.

Part of my frustration with him is that he has become very condescending to me.  (Again, interesting that he mentioned the whole 2 faced thing last night.)  He praises me to others, but at home I feel very much patted on the head.)  In his defense I will say that I think it worsened when I was so out of it for that time when Elizabeth was so bad and my mom was here.  But sort of like seeing people as an adult you haven't seen since you were a child, it's pretty irritating when they continue to treat you like you're still 13.  Likewise, I'm finding it increasingly difficult to relate to my husband in a meaningful way when he treats me like an emotional cripple.  Do I have wounds? Yes.  Do I suspect he has some I've caused?  Of course.  Since it is nearly impossible (I have discovered over the years) to work THROUGH issues with him, I think we need to start out with a new normal, and SOONER rather than later.

I am 53 years old and feel like life is passing me by.  I certainly can't blame that entirely on Ray.  However, because of my upbringing, discouragement at home is devastating to me and, as I said, he is very much like my mom in that his form of discouragement and keeping me in my place is insidious and done in such a way that it strikes at my weakest point and leaves me breathless with pain at times.  I guess I thought with the kids gone, this time in our lives would be spent together doing stuff we would have done when we were first married if we hadn't had kids so soon.  Instead I feel like I'll be spending it sitting at home alone waiting for him to retire.  Or at least that's what he expects.  And I'm not even sure he consciously knows that.  But he makes me feel guilty if I'm not home when he is.  I gave up my life to be home with my kids.  Yes it was my choice and I don't think I'd change that.  I should maybe have done more things outside the kids, like a class here and there so my mind didn't turn to mush.  But overall, I don't think I would have done anything different.  But it's my turn.  Ray says he doesn't want me to work now because it'd put us in a higher tax bracket.  I don't believe that.  Nothing I could do at this point would put us in a higher tax bracket and even if it did and everything I made went to pay taxes, wouldn't that be ok if it got me interested in something and out of the house?  Or is money everything?  I will admit, it seems it is to him at times.

He likes to have sex often, but it has become just that to me again.  I don't hate it like I did at one time.  Sometimes I can enjoy it but there is little if any romance.  He bought some new toys for Christmas.  It's July and he still hasn't used them.  When I reminded him, he said he'd been thinking about bringing them along to my reunion.  So we had almost a month home alone and it didn't cross his mind but it seems like a good idea to bring it along when my mind is on re-connecting with friends....just to make sure HE is the center of my attention and not having a good time at my reunion, right?   Yep.  Cuz he pays so much attention to me at home and I'm home alone with nothing to do so much of the time that I really like it when I DO have something to do and he takes up THAT time with something we could do at home.

And as long as I'm on a rant now....

That comment about he'd use the new toy on me and then maybe I could use it on him?  SURE!  WHY NOT!  Why don't I just be the man in bed.  Maybe because I don't want to be.  I don't want to be dominant in bed.  Of course, if he'd LISTENED to me, he'd know that.  Which goes back to the beginning, doesn't it?  He always knows what's best, and I don't really know or understand and my ideas aren't really worthy of paying attention to.  Therefore.....he doesn't really pay attention.  So he doesn't really know what I like or don't like.  And maybe that's just not fair.  Because maybe what we both want is someone who's dominant in bed.  And neither one of us wants to be that.  Me, because I've had to take care of myself my whole life.  And him because it's just not his personality type.  After being married to someone who was abusive, I didn't want to be controlled.  And between having a dominate mother and a gay father, maybe passion really IS a foreign concept.

That said, what he considers giving me space because he sees me as independent, I have felt at times is just indifference and that I didn't matter enough to get riled up over.  I have taken care of myself my whole life.  My mother never defended me (once or twice she went after someone she didn't like anyways), my dad wasn't around, my brother talked big but as we both know, was all talk, Teri cut ties with our family as soon as she could and even when we were kids was unaware of what was going on around her (much like him with his family), and we had no connection to extended family.  Even as a kid, when someone would say something mean to or about me, my mother's response would be, "they aren't worth responding to" when what that really meant was, "YOU aren't worth the hassle and embarrassment of addressing this."  The only memory I have of someone actually defending me in some way was my boss when I was 15.  Some friend/acquaintance of his came into the store and made an inappropriate remark around me and Jay read him the riot act and said if he ever said something like that in front of one of "his girls" again, he wouldn't be welcome in his store again.  I went in the bathroom and cried.  I didn't even know exactly why I was crying.  I never forgot that.  I have never felt like someone had my back.  Ray has done things when I've asked him to but never because he's seen himself as my protector.  And never without my prompting.

I know he sees his mother as independent.  I don't.  I see Marlene as dominant.  Just as I see Jim as submissive.  Jim does what Marlene says.  They aren't a team, she's in charge.  (Well, they're a team in that he's ON her team.)   My mother was independent.  My father was not submissive, he was dominant.  There is a difference between dominant and independent.  I wonder if part of the reason I've been so restless and uneasy is that, while I'm independent, my nature is someone who needs to be with someone who is gently dominant.  Not controlling, but in control.  Ray is too arrogant to be submissive, but outside of the work environment, I would describe him as almost weak.  There may be a better word, but I can't think of it.  (hesitant, flaccid, insubstantial, sluggish, impotent, cowardly, ineffectual, undependable, unreliable, vacillating.)

I don't know how we fix this because I can't make the first move again and have him act interested and then ignore it as he has so many times before.  And really, it's ok because I'm not sure I'm interested anymore.  Maybe it's just time to move on with fixing me and see what happens from there.  There's a lot I can do when he's out of town and not here to discourage me.  I probably need to go back to writing on paper and maybe get a lock box some place.  I hate feeling like I have no place someone doesn't have access to.  I'm sure he can get anywhere on my phone to see all my thoughts if I log them. That's one reason I don't like this.  I should be able to have some things that are just mine.  I suppose it's another one of the downsides of choosing not to work all these years.  I'm a captive.  I have nothing to call my own.  And with the state of most of my kids, not much to show for 25+ years of motherhood.

I remember years ago, sitting on the front porch with coffee when the kids were little thinking, "Will I ever have time to myself?"  Now I'm thinking, "What do I do with my life?"  No answers in sight.

Feeling Numb

Sometimes I wonder what's wrong with me.  I feel totally disconnected.  If I'm honest, I think I'd say this has been coming for a long time and there may be many contributing factors.  For now, I won't even go into the childhood stuff with dad leaving, mom being distant, Steve being in and out, no extended family connections, etc.  We'll just go to the stuff starting with leaving Jaci, the crap with Elizabeth, dad dying, Jennie dying, mom dying, the crap with Rachel, the crap with Susan, and to a much lesser degree, the stuff with Sybil.  I think if I had to pick a turning point out of all those right now, I'd probably say Rachel.  I remember clearly in my mind, a conversation we had sitting on the couch in the living room.  I was between Rachel and Amanda and we were talking about allowing Elizabeth to come home after she had been living with Merrybelle.  Rachel was against it and said she wanted to be allowed to move out and go live with someone else.  I remember feeling this overwhelming feeling, almost like a wave (warm and going from head to toe) like "oh no, not again" and thinking I was going to start the same thing all over again with Rachel that I had with Elizabeth and how would I survive it again.  And I don't remember it consciously happening after that, but I have felt disconnected emotionally since that time.  I don't feel connected to anyone or anything.  I feel somewhat connected to Ray at times.  And here and there to others...sometimes to the kids....but only for short periods of time.  I don't long to see anyone.  When they're gone, it's ok.  If I didn't see Eoin again, that'd be alright.  I'm not saying that's normal, I'm just saying that's the way it is.  I think the emotional abuse finally beat whatever I had left out of me.  I don't feel bitter or angry...I guess that's part of the point, I don't FEEL anything.  I'm numb.

I think there was a time when I lay blame here or there.  Not so much anymore.  I don't guess I even feel blame myself.  Maybe it's just part of my own make up that I took what I could and then shut down.

Dad's birthday

Today would have been my dad's 90th birthday.  This is always a day of mixed feelings for me.  On one hand it's a sad day because he's no longer alive for me to talk to and call as I always did on his birthday.  On the other hand, I remember how excited I always was to call him on his birthday and get him some silly something or other.  I think I will always miss him.  In spite of all the bad memories I also have of him, there are so many funny ones and ones where he got me away from the tension of the house and mom that I think I just shut the bad ones off.

It's interesting to me that, in reality, he was probably the more dysfunctional (what a stupid word) parent, and yet most of my happy memories are of my dad.  Although, maybe that's not fair since the majority of my childhood was spent with my mom.  She raised me.  My dad just got to swoop in and be fun from time to time.  And I do remember crying a lot that he wasn't around when he said he'd be.  I also remember wondering what was wrong with me that he didn't want to be with me when he had clearly been around more for Teri and Steve.  Of course, as Steve pointed out very clearly, Teri was the pretty one.  :-)

Anyways,  all that to say, I miss my dad a lot.  I guess I miss mom too.  At least the mom she was when I first married Ray and had kids.  The mom that I talked to for hours about "stuff".  Although now I'm left wondering if she was really interested or if she wanted to get off the phone as bad as I do some days.

Another mystery.