I'm having a hard time right now. I feel like I can't ever have time that's solely mine. There is constantly someone wanting to be where I am and wanting me to talk. It makes me crazy. Sometimes I can't even have time alone in my head without Ray asking me what I'm thinking. Even in the bathroom it's ok for him to walk in at any time. And most of the time I DON'T care....but sometimes I just need to be by myself and to myself. Unfortunately, I'm enough like my mom that I won't tell people that up front. I wait until I'm fried and then lash out and no one understands.
The other thing that's bugging me is my sex life. I've told him for a long time that I'd like him to be more in charge. And honestly, I've about given up on that. But we've gotten to the point where I feel like (as I did early on) it's all about him. There is no romance or coaxing me. It's just "let's have sex now" and when we're done he goes to sleep. The problem is, I've learned from experience, that if I try to say something to him, he'll shut down. What I want is for him to ask me, is now ok? But not expect me to direct the whole sexual experience. It's to the point where I'd rather just take care of myself, but even THAT is next to impossible because I am not allowed time alone that no one interrupts. Finding 15 minutes to get myself off is impossible. He'd be crushed if I tried to explain that.
Another example is if I'm texting or on facebook, he'll come up and ask, "who are you talking to", "what are you talking about". OH MY STARS!!!! Can I not even have a conversation you don't have to be privy to? And sometimes I'm so angry with him because he wants to know everything I think and feel and has a hand in everything except the one time I want him to DO something he doesn't do it. The recording. It was like he waved it in my face and when I really wanted that to happen, he just dropped the ball and let it go. Even after I told him multiple times I really wanted it. I'm sure it's partly my own fault. If it's what I want I should do it myself. But if and when I do that, I don't want him involved. He didn't believe in me enough to follow through when he promised so I don't want you horning in on it if I do it myself.
I feel like he feels sorry for me or is condescending to me a lot. He'd never admit that and probably doesn't feel that way consciously, but it's there in the way he treats me.
I'm not sure what to do from here. Would I ever leave? I don't think so. I do love him and know he loves me. But is it habit for him or a conscious growing love. It doesn't feel like it has matured. Our sex life has and I imagine that's enough for him but it isn't for me. And while we are more adventurous than we were for a long time, we've gone back to more black and white sex. I think his personality just isn't the "TAKE CHARGE" type. I need to learn to live with that and not expect more so I'm not constantly frustrated.
I have no doubt he is disappointed in me in many ways. I'm sure I'm not what he signed up for but he's never complained. Maybe it'd be better if he did. At least we'd have a starting point to go from. As it is, it's like everything is "nice". Not good or bad, just...there. No real satisfaction. Nothing risked, nothing exciting.
What do I do?
